I am a 19 years old university student. I am not very experienced when it comes to relationships or people.
This I met a girl in the library who seemed to be a lot into me. Early
on she did most of the "pursuing" side of getting to know me, and early
on I wasn't super attracted to her but as we went on and kept meeting
and talking I realized I was intently looking forward to meeting her in
the intermediate times and developed an intense connection to her.
This coupled with a degree of physical escalation that also felt
unusually natural and positive signs from her that felt completely
obvious, I was sure I'm gonna get in a relationship with her.
few days after this escalation, she suddenly out-of-the blue rejected
me. I still do not completely understand why it happened but it did, and
as I said I was 120% sure the relationship will happen for good reason.
agreed to stay friends. In retrospect this was a big mistake, but I
really didn't want to lose her and at the time this feeling was mutual. I
guess I figured I'd be powerful enough to handle it and it was worth it
but I overestimated my capabilities in this regard.
The following months were very drama ridden. By
early december she attempted to broke ties with me and threw some
rather ugly stuff in my face. I took the blame for it fully and spent
two months wallowing in guilt and self-loathing.
january, she "came back" to me. We reconciled, pretty much both
apologized for what transpired and decided once again to be friends.
friendship was very up and down. Sometimes she just "froze out" for
what I perceived as completely petty reasons and during these times she
went full passive-aggressive, refusing to communicate and refusing to
say anything clearly.
went on and on, and it slowly slowly destroyed any stability and force
of will I had left until early june after a smaller freeze-out of her I
got to the point where I completely honestly think I was nearing a
mental breakdown and snapped at her, which meant after she refused to
answer to me.
I had several talks with her after this where she
once again refused any sort of normal communication but the ties were
severed from here on. She said she didn't hate me or anything but this
whole "friendship" was "pointless" and she did not want to deal with it.
She didn't believe in love and sometimes told me how she didn't really
love anyone at all in , this was tied with significant self-esteem
issues, like she often felt insignificant, useless and worthless, didn't
really believed she needed anyone in her life to the point where she
often refused to deal with people's annoying habits and just ran away
this is the part where I am really in doubt. I rarely drama with my
other friends and I have never ever lost anyone like this besides her.
totally have no idea what perspective should I have on this all.
Sometimes I am angry at her. Sometimes I feel resentment. Other times I
just miss her despite her being so...toxic. She was right though that
this friendship was "pointless" since if I stayed in it, I would have
just withered while she lived her life, but I still do miss her. I also tried to get to know other people and do something with people
that interest me, but none of them ever gave back any similiar feelings
I have experienced with her.
I cannot decide if she was a bad person or not. I mean, she did all
this, but also she kept struggling a lot with guilt, even for reasons
she should not have felt guilt for. Sometimes in her weaker moments she
admitted many things, how she felt she was a bad person, and how she
desired the love/caring of others but she felt she could never give back
any of it, so she sort of "manipulated" other people to make them love
her. Sometimes I just feel for her and wish I could help her.
what do you think of this all? Was this really an abusive thing? Is she
a bad person? What after-perspective should I have on this all?
I'm glad you wrote.
We've talked before about people like this.
It's very easy to get sucked into their lives and very hard to get out.
Interestingly, they aren't always romantic partners. They can also
be friends, family members, or co-workers.
your fault. This type of person (men can be like this too) are very good
at what they do because it's all they know. They have a way of making
everything feel like it's your fault, that if you'd just done, x,y, or z
differently you could have saved the friendship or relationship. Just
as you think you're out they'll often come back and leave you thinking
you have a chance at salvaging things.
You find yourself doing things you wouldn't normally do. You feel ashamed for it.
But as much as it feels like your fault, if you aren't having these problems with others in your life...well, that's a sign that the problem isn't all with you. You might be a participant in it and you may have to do some soul-searching as far as learning new boundaries and managing your own feelings and behavior, but it isn't your fault.
types of people tend to love inspiring strong emotions in people and
they don't care what emotion it is:.anger, frustration, lust, love-they'll feed off it until the other person is depleted, hollowed out and empty.
But they are also exciting. Not only that, often things were great in the beginning and sometimes there are still moments when you feel close to a genuine connection. You just need to try a little harder or work a little more...and the temptation is to keep
going back to them because of the memory of those good times, the belief that you can be the one to change things, or the
thrill and excitement of not knowing what's going to happen next.
Faced with all that intensity, it's hard to move on,. Not just because we're invested, but because other people don't give us that same rush; they seem boring
And parts of our brain get addicted to
it, because we're constantly trying to figure them out. In my
experience, it feels awful, but it's really hard to pull away. We may
not even LIKE the person but we keep going back. Even after they're gone
they haunt us.
We may not want them back in our lives but still we want to UNDERSTAND.
But sometimes understanding is not possible.
it's better to be okay with not understanding. Because when we're still
expending emotional and thought energy on her after she's out of our
lives...well, she still has power over us even if she isn't around.
For our own sanity, it's best once we recognize this type of person to cut them out of our lives as completely as we are able. No Facebook. No returning texts. No Contact.
This is a hard thing to do. They know our weak spots. Or we feel 'rude' if we don't answer their texts.
Resist the urge.
sometimes helpful to remember these people do not really see you as a
human being. You're just a source of emotion for them. Which means they
have no problem dropping you when you've served your purpose and coming
back when they need more.
As you mentioned, there are
times when they are aware of what they're doing. They feel bad about it.
They feel guilty and it's easy to want to support them or help them fix
Ultimately though, it's important to remember their feelings are not our problem.
for the feelings you're describing, they are totally normal. After
things are over, or even in the thick of things, it's totally normal to
be filled with self-doubt, frustration, shame, or self-loathing. It's
normal to be questioning yourself. These feelings do pass though once
you're free from the person's influence.
Think of what
you're experiencing now as withdrawal symptoms. They are hard,
especially when you don't have a lot else going on, but they will pass
the more quickly and completely you cut her out of your life and the
more you can find things to do that get your brain thinking about other
As for why she latched onto you or why she did
the things she did...I don't know. It's like asking why lightning
strikes one house and not another. There may not be an answer.
questions to focus on are ones where you have some control: How can I
recognize these sorts of people sooner and avoid getting drawn into
things? What can I learn about myself? What are ways I can figure out
who is safe to trust and who isn't? What about me is drawn (or attracts)
these sorts of people?
Good luck. The big takeaway I
would leave you with is 'this isn't your fault.' At the same time, the
more you learn from it, the better able you'll be able to recognize such
people and keep yourself away from them.
-May All Beings Be Sexy