Thursday, July 31, 2014

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: Lioness

I like your expressions: how you smile after we kiss like youre savoring some private victory, how you bite your lip, how your eyes can shift from cool, curious, feline detachment to an almost feral hunger.

I like your lips and tongue and teeth and the way they like to take and be taken.

I like how you surrender but never submit.

I like the noises you make, the way you murmur words in your pleasure that I'm never fully sure I'm meant to hear.

I like how when lean on your elbows and tilt your head back, the sun lights up the edge of your neck and gravity flows through your hair, turning it into a waterfall.

I like your legs and the way they ripple with tremors when I skate my fingertips along the inside of your thighs.

I like the skin of your back, the jut of your shoulder blades, the crease of your hipbone.

I love the taste of you. All of you.

Most of all I like the way how when I glide my hands down your body, it rises to meet my touch, flowing through my palms like Egyptian sand.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

(Editorial - for men) Commitment

I've been talking to a lot of men about their romantic entanglements over the past couple days. I'm beginning to think that a huge part of dating is the guy showing the woman he can commit.

I don't mean commit as in she's looking for a husband or some guy who will creepily follow her around for the rest of her life. I think we need a different definition of commitment.

To me, commitment is delivering on the promises you make.

I don't mean this promise has to be explicitly stated. You aren't raising your right hand and saying, "I do hearby solemnly swear to uphold the Law of the Wolf Cub Pack and to do a good turn for others every day."

The promise is often in your behavior.

If you approach a girl, the unspoken promise is that you are going to be more interesting than whatever else is going on around her.

If you're expressing interest in her and then refusing to make a physical move, you are not delivering on your promise. Don't take my word for it. Check out this link.

 If you say you want a casual relationship and then you spend every day with her, introduce her to your parents, and move in with are delivering something different than what you promised. You are sending a mixed message and if things go south, you can't blame her for "not listening when you said you wanted something casual." Nor can you blame her if she decides you're being too clingy.

A big part of dating and relationships is trust. And part of being trustworthy is being reliable--doing the things you say you're going to do, whatever those things might happen to be.

Don't promise anything--in word or in behavior--that you aren't willing to deliver. Don't deliver something different from what you promise.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Check out this link for information on how to get Dan's Dating for Shy Guys ebook.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: Petty But Oddly Satisfying & Some Random Dialogues

Remember this story?  Here's Post-Script #3, and it's the weirdest of all.

Remember the part in the middle of the story where RadFem was hanging out weirdly with this other woman? It turns out she was also interested in RadFem and also got strung along. Months later, we ended up comparing stories, and eventually hooked up.

As rebounds go, it was oddly satisfying.

I cant believe she turned you down. Youre awesome.

I know. You too!

*naked high fives*

* * *

DAN: I'd like to take you to dinner. Do you have any preferences for food?
HER: Anything is good with me.
DAN: Right on. Taco Bell it is.
HER: I guess I should have been more specific.
DAN: One large drink, two straws...and all the Ketchup packets you can handle. Because you're that special to me.

* * *

Texting with comedian/writer Dawn Dumont about a new paramour

DAN:  I like her, but I'm also nervous about screwing it up.
DAWN: Stick with hopeful and passionate. These things are good.
DAN: Hope and passion engaged, Captain. Self-sabotage sensors on high alert.

*  *  *

HER: I dated a foot fetish guy.
DAN: Yeah, I've heard a couple stories about that.
HER: It was weird. He didn't want me to take off my clothes. Just my socks and shoes.
DAN: That's how it goes, I guess.
HER: And then he had me give him a foot job. I never even heard of such a thing.
DAN: Wait...what?
HER: I should have thought it through a little better. It was kind of a mess. I didn't want to put my socks back on, there were no towels available, and there was no way he was going to carry me to the bathroom...
DAN: I've had a lot of things happen to me, and I'm searching my memory for one that competes with that, but I don't think I'm going to find it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Why Do We Talk About Approaching Strangers?

Somebody wrote:

"Why do we talk about cold approaches, anyway?How many relationships actually start that way? It seems to me that "normal" people  mostly meet partners and hook-ups through their social circle. So, they usually are familiar with one another, or at least have friends to vouch for the other person."

That's absolutely true. I think though for a lot of people reading this blog that if that were an option right now, they would have done so already. People don't generally seek out the Gateway Boyfriend ecause what they're doing is working.

But first, a quick note on 'normal' people. It's easy to look at what we call 'normal' and compare ourselves to that, but I don't think it's necessarily helpful. We do not and cannot know what other people's lives are like.

Besides, what good does it do? All that time comparing ourselves to others can be better put to use working on our own lives.

Now, on the subject of cold approaches and why I encourage them.

Approaching strangers is not about whether or not one of those strangers becomes your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Cold approaches are a long shot even for people who are GOOD at them. But the thing to remember is they aren't about any particular result.

What cold approaches do is help people without social experience make up a lot of ground very quickly without putting the relationships they're already in at risk. There's less social consequences for both parties if you're strangers to each other. You don't have to see each other again at parties, work or social functions

Committing to approaching strangers means you meet a lot of people. You see a lot of different individual reactions.

You see how people are different and how they are the same.

You learn to deal with your own anxiety.

You learn to deal with rejection.

You learn how to deal with success, even success you don't feel you earned.

You learn that most people are good to each other and nobody wants to hurt anybody's feelings. You learn that you are likable and that you have something to offer and that other people aren't jerks or stuck-up bitches or dudebros or whatever.

You learn that you will make mistakes and neither you or the other person will die a horrible death.

You learn other people aren't perfect or normal either and that there's no secret formula that everyone else in the world knows but you. You learn that awkwardness is uncomfortable, but it's not the end of the world.

You also get to do it at a pace you can comfortably handle.

Happy Stranger Meeting

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Diary of a Gateway Boyfriend: Siddhartha

A quote from Herman Hesse's Siddhartha.

I dedicate it to the Gateway Boyfriends and Gateway Girlfriends inside us all:

Siddhartha said nothing, and they played the game of love, one of the thirty or forty different games Kamala knew. Her body was flexible like that of a jaguar and like the bow of a hunter; he who had learned from her how to make love, was knowledgeable of many forms of lust, many secrets. For a long time, she played with Siddhartha, enticed him, rejected him, forced him, embraced him: enjoyed his masterful skills, until he was defeated and rested exhausted by her side.

The courtesan bent over him, took a long look at his face, at his eyes, which had grown tired.

"You are the best lover," she said thoughtfully, "I ever saw. You're stronger than others, more supple, more willing. You've learned my art well, Siddhartha. At some time, when I'll be older, I'd want to bear your child. And yet, my dear, you've remained a Samana, and yet you do not love me, you love nobody. Isn't it so?"

"It might very well be so," Siddhartha said tiredly. "I am like you. You also do not love--how else could you practise love as a craft?

Perhaps, people of our kind can't love. The childlike people can; that's their secret."

Friday, July 18, 2014

Diary of A Gateway Boyfriend: Poison

Lying in bed, tangled in sheets like a heroin addict in a cheap motel. And like an addict, all I feel is craving, not for a drug, but for her.

It's all I can think about. Nothing else in my life, a life I love, by they way, seems to matter.

I'm a fool. I pride myself on my compassion and yet here I am, not caring what would be good for me, not caring about her. There's no room for that. All there's room for is wanting her, that junkie selfishness for another fix.

*  *  *

Some women shine. They blaze with independence, a willingness to ignore the Rules to get what they want. A flame so bright the moth wants to burn.

Such women are dangerous. Run, and they'll chase you, Diana's hounds unleashed. Move towards them and they'll pull away. The secret is to stand still and breathe, to wait patiently, to see if she wants everything you have to offer or if she'll be content to circle and settle for just a piece instead of devouring you completely.

But that means getting close. It means holding the tension, neither stepping forward nor pulling back. It means teetering on the edge, staring into the void, wondering what it would be like to fall. It means heat and awareness and temptation. It means the possibility of finding you WANT throw away the rules. That you want to fall. Because with these women, no possibility feels sweeter or more intoxicating than surrender.

I stepped back.

I won't let it happen again. Can't let it happen again. Put away the curiosity, the desire. Don't let her know how close she came. Don't give her another chance. Be still and hold your breath until the hunt passes by. Never admit to the power she has over you.

She was merciful. She respected my boundaries. She could have had everything but settled for less. Her touch is intoxicating. It fills my blood like morphine, a liquid ecstasy I want to continue forever. It leaves my body tingling hours after she's gone. I crave it and it terrifies me at the same time. I do not like this loss of control.

If there had been any kissing, any extended skin-to-skin contact, I would have been lost. Powerless.


She set me free.

Part of me wishes she hadn't.

*  *  *

Alice Cooper has a song called "Poison." There's a line in it: "I want to hurt her just to hear her scream out my name."

I never understood that line until now.

I'm trying not to think of us together in naked, violent mutual ecstasy, her eyes shining and face flushed and bright, her nostrils filled with the smell of my body and the scent of her own excitement. To have that power over her. But would that be her surrendering to my power over her...or me surrendering to her power over me?

I'm a little bit afraid of myself right now.

I'm also a little bit excited.

*  *  *

There was a moment, with another, when I almost said her name.

*  *  *

Is insomnia contagious?

She told me she doesn't sleep well.

I'm not doing so well tonight. In the darkness of my bedroom sheets tangle around my body as I thrash.

I wonder if she's also awake.

I wonder if she's thinking of me.

*  *  *

"It's cute seeing you this intense over someone," a friend tells me. "You're normally so reserved and controlled."

"I hate this," I tell her

She says: "If it's any consolation, these types of women are inevitably disappointing. The reason they're so good at making promises is that they're so poor at delivering. They're like the Telus of blow-jobs--great ads; terrible service."

Hearing the word Telus, I feel a sudden urge to text her.

I hand my phone to my friend.

I say, "Don't give this back to me until the end of night."

*  *  *

I kiss with my eyes open now so my brain can't pretend this neck my face is buried in belongs to Her, that its Her fingers digging into my back, that these sighs and moans of pleasure as I play this woman's body like an orchestra are Her music.

*  *  *

And then it's over.

 Nothing has changed but everything is fine. The sun breaks through my bedroom window. I can see leaves trembling in the wind. They're beautiful.

I feel fine. The craving is gone. It's been with me so long, I almost miss it, but the empty space where it used to live is already being filled with love, appreciation, gratitude.

She hasn't broken me. She's made me stronger.

I still crave her. My body lights up when she's near.

And yet...

She's taught me that I can want someone and not have her. I can feel the most intoxicating touch and enjoy it without getting pulled in. I can swim in the deep waters and not be drowned. I can thrill in the way my body feels alive when she's around without losing control.

It's also ironic that she's made me a stronger man, a more passionate lover, and a more confident human being...and she's the one who won't reap the benefits.

My family and friends have commented on my stronger boundaries, my new assertiveness. Other women have told me how I'm a better partner, commented that my tenderness is now mixed with a new and exciting strength.

If they only knew.

I make my bed and pad to the bathroom to take a shower.

It's going to be a beautiful day.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Dating Ecology: Tease Is Built On Trust

I'm not a fan of the expression 'cocktease.'

It's not just about the gender stereotype, although that's definitely a conversation worth having. 

The big thing, for me, is that it's a misuse of the word tease. A cocktease is a description for someone who promises but doesn't deliver.

That's a fundamental misunderstanding of how tease works.

Tease is promising something and delivering...but not yet.

Tease is built on trust.

You might make the other person work. You might make the other person wait.

But you're always going to deliver. You are never going to withhold or attach conditions. When you do that, all you do is undercut your own credibility.

Tease is about playing with the Opposites.

There should be tension without uncertainty. Intrigue without secrets. Challenge without competition.  Danger wrapped in a blanket of complete and total safety.

Perhaps most importantly, tease should be fun for all parties involved. Done right, there's a playfulness to it.

Good tease feels like something you're a part of together. Bad tease is uncomfortable and confusing and divisive. Even if it's done while smiling, there is an undercurrent of concealed aggression or one-upmanship.

It's toxic and bad dating ecology. But it isn't really tease.

You can call someone who promises and doesn't come through a lot of things. They might be manipulative. They might be unreliable.They might be withholding.

They might also be confused, ambivalent, or dealing with shit that has nothing to do with you.

But to call them a tease undermines everything that makes tease so delicious.

-May All Beings Be Sexy