Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Love And Heartbreak Are The Same

Loved this article from Capital Dharma...which I keep wanting to call CAPTAIN Dharma, an awesome name for a Zen Pirate.

I love how she talks about heartbreak being love separated from it's object. I loved how she put forth the idea that despite what we say, we aren't looking for love, we're looking for safety.

And I loved that she said many of us are broken-hearted all the time.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

BS Dating Advice: Women Aren’t Into Casual Sex Like Men Are


I dont know if this is true or not.

I do know that there are there are men who arent as into casual sex as our culture leads them to believe they should be. I also know women who have discovered that they can enjoy sex in a lot of ways and a lot of other circumstances other than the script they've been handed most of their lives (*)

I also know this. When it comes to casual sex, women often ask themselves questions that men often do not.

1 - Will the sex be good?
2 - Will the sex be safe?
3 - Will I be judged?
4 - Can this moron keep his mouth shut?

Bad Sex, Unsafety, Judgement, and Indiscretion are the Four Horsewomen of the Casual Sexapocalypse. The last thing a woman needs is her Rainy Day Penis bla-bla-bla-ing to all their mutual friends or showing up unexpectedly at social functions and making an awkward scene because I wanted to see you.

When it comes to casual sex, many women think of these things a lot. When it comes to casual sex, many men dont think of them ENOUGH.

Probably many of us guys would avoid a lot of trouble for ourselves if we took more time before hook-ups to ask: Is this going to be worth the potential consequences? Are there possible dangers Im not seeing here? Does this woman KNOW this is as a casual hook-up or --not that I led her on or told her what I thought she wanted to hear or anything--is she under the illusion that there is the potential for something more and boy are things going to be awkward at the company Christmas party.

Just something to think about.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

(*) Women are only supposed to enjoy sex when its with a committed partner. And even then, they're supposed to enjoy the emotions part, not the sex part. At least not TOO much, anyways.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Opposites Have A Sense Of Humour...

...albeit sometimes a dark one.

One woman told me this:

"Ever since my affair, my husband doesn't trust me. He thinks I have one foot out the door. Which is weird because the truth is, I've had one foot out the door for our entire marriage. It wasn't until after the affair that I realized I wanted to be with him.

When I had his trust, I wasn't trustworthy. Now that I AM committed and faithful, he has no faith in me."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Less Commitment Requires More Trust

Here's an interesting paradox I've noticed about casual or non-monogamous relationships.

The more casual relationship, the more trust is required.

The reason for this is time. You have less time together and more time apart.

Less time together means you don't get to know the other person as quickly. You don't get to see them in as many situations, so you have less experience with them. The less time you spend together, the harder it is to determine if they are trustworthy or not.

More time apart means your brain has that much more time to wonder what they're up to or what they're doing. Your fears and insecurities have that much more time to prey on you.

Less time together means you have to budget your time together. You have to decide how much of your limited hours are going to be spent on enjoying your time together and how much is going to be spent on relationship maintenance. You have to accept that you can't always run to each other whenever you feel the need.

More time apart means that they will be up to things when you're not around. Especially if they are sexually active with you and other people, it means an increased risk of health concerns. It means you have to trust them to keep to the limits you've discussed and let you know if those limits change. If YOU'RE seeing other people, it means you have to do the same, no matter how uncomfortable those discussions might get. It also might mean putting limits on your own behavior--which sometimes feels counter-intuitive: I thought dating casually  means I can do anything I want.

Nope. In some ways, you actually have to be MORE careful, not less. You have to communicate better and more precisely. There are more people to be considerate of--your other partners, your partners' partners....the number goes up exponentially the more people involved.

In essence you need to learn to trust yourself to soothe your own emotions when they aren't around and you need to trust them to tell you what they need you to know.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

(for Men) Before You Kiss Her...

The secret to the first kiss, isn't the kiss itself--it's the set-up.

Before we get into that, though, I should make something clear.

Humans have been kissing for a long time. There have been millions upon millions of first kisses. Many of them have been sublime. But many of them have also been awkward, weird, or funny enough that they turn into stories that get told and retold over time--sometimes at the couple's wedding.

There is no perfect kiss. There is no perfect set-up to a kiss. How the kiss happens is how the kiss happens.

That said, if you've never kissed someone before or are inexperienced or nervous at the prospect of  initiating a first kiss, here is something I've found personally helpful in uncertain smooching situations.

Set the kiss up well before you actually try to kiss her.

If I'm on a date, and I feel like I might want to kiss the other person, I let her know, and I let her know long before I ACTUALLY try to kiss her. I prefer to do it in the context of a date and while we're in a public space--say, having coffee or enjoying a round of mini-golf to minimize any feelings of danger, pressure, or threat.

Why do I tell her this?

One reason is because ambush kisses are weird. Even if she likes you, you never want to surprise someone with physical affection. You want them to know what's coming so they can consent to it and get themselves ready to respond with the passion and ardor the moment requires.

Essentially, you're changing your thinking. Instead of trying to find out if she wants to kiss you, let her know that you want to kiss her.

There are three reasons for this. I call it (*) the Triple-T effect: Trustworthiness/Truth, Tension/Tease, and Time.

-By telling her what I want, I'm being truthful. I'm letting her know that I'm willing to be honest with her. I'm not going to wait until I know what she wants and then tell her what she wants to hear.

-If she's into me, I'm building tension. I'm telling her what I want to do--but I'm not doing it yet. It's tease in action.

- By telling her what I want and then not acting on it, I'm also giving her Time. She knows what's coming, and she has an opportunity to sort out how much she likes me, whether kissing me tonight is something she wants, and if it isn't--giving her a chance to find a way to back out gracefully before the moment of truth.

A couple of examples.

"Sorry, I missed the last thing you said because I was thinking about how much I want to kiss you."

"I'm thinking I want to kiss you later."

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Before you say something like this, make sure the other person knows you are seeing each other with the possibility of exploring a romantic context. If you just blurt it out to someone who thinks you are just friends or to the server bringing food to your table, things might get weird)

Once you've said that leave an appropriate space for her to reply. She might have an opinion ("I don't kiss on the first date" Wow, you're forward. I like your honesty.") or she might have nothing to say.

Any response is fine. Even no response is fine. We're not debating and we aren't making demands. We're telling her what we think, we're listening to her response without judgement, accepting where things are, and moving on.

I like to leave her a beat to reply and then go on talking about whatever it is we were talking about before.

Essentially we are using a version of the 3R model that I talked about here: You're letting them know what you're offering, giving them a chance to respond, and then doing that thing.

You might in fact find step one is all you need. You might discover as the date goes on that things will unfold fairly naturally from there and that all you need to do is pay attention.

- May All Beings Be Sexy

(*) Not really. I just made it up now because I want to sound cool. Also, alliteration. Who doesn't love that?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

What Does "I Want To Be Friends First" Mean?

I've read a lot of people say they want to be friends first. But when I try to be someone's friend before going out with them, they say they don't want to 'ruin the friendship.' So what does 'Friends First' mean?

My experience is that most of the time, "friends first" doesn't mean ANYTHING. It's something people say because we heard it somewhere and/or because we think it sounds good in theory. It is not a great predictor of how anyone who uses the expression actually behaves.

Trying to pin down someone's definition of friendship from the expression "friends first" is like craning your neck to see what is above you when they ask "what's up?", addressing their palm when they say "Talk to the hand" or believing they have arrived at a place of serene all-acceptance when they tell you, "Whatever."

"Friends first" is a handy euphemism in a lot of different social contexts, precisely because it's so vague. Used on a date, it can mean "slow down, cowboy." Used publicly among certain social groups it's a marker for "I'm not slutty" without being so crass as to talk about sex directly or to slut-shame. On the internet dating it means "I want to go slowly," "I'm not attracted to you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings or totally reject you in case I change my mind/get desperate later," or "I need more words to fill out this profile and I'm not the greatest writer so I'm going to fall back on cliches."

And sometimes it means, "I want to be friends with someone before I become involved with them romantically."

Funnily enough, I don't hear the expression quite as much as I used to, which I think is a positive thing. I think our culture has changed enough that more people are comfortable a) being direct and b) owning their sexuality.

I guess a shorter answer would be that because it's such a broad phrase, if you're really curious as to what a specific person meant when they used the phrase in a specific situation, I imagine your best bet would be to ask the person who used it.

-May All Beings Be Sexy