Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Greek Love

Epictetus, a Greek Philosopher, was one of the minds behind Stoicism.

He wrote a book about it.

But all you need to know is the first line. It goes like this:

"Some things are in our control and others are not."

After that, what else needs to be said?

-May All Beings Be Sexy


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Don't Get Grabby


Image result for grabbing images

Was at a party attended by not one, but two Grabby People the other weekend.

The male grabby person was attempting to proposition women by physically putting his hands on them. On the dance floor, a drunk woman was doing variations of the same thing to guys.

Which was handy as far as examples go, because it means we can sidestep the Gender Subject and go straight to the point.

Don't grab people you don't know.

Here are three reasons why.

A) It makes people feel weird and uncomfortable.
B) In some places, it's illegal.
C) As far as getting people interested in you goes, it doesn't work.

Physically grabbing someone you've just met without some sort of verbal or non-verbal invitation from her will not necessarily get her/him more interested in you. Touch is important, but doing it badly early is worse than not doing it at all.

If you are person with a tendency towards excessive Grabbiness, here are three things to try.

1 - Keep in mind the No Thumbs principle, especially the first few times you touch someone. There are a lot of ways to touch someone that don't involve grabbery. Remembering "No Thumbs" keeps you using those ways first.

2 -  Don't touch someone unless they touch you first..

A quick caveat: I've seen people do very well by initiating touch. I've also found that some inexperienced daters need to be taught that touch is essential, and that it is okay to show physical interest by making that first contact. If you fall into one of those categories, this practice might not apply to you, although it might be something to experiment with to broaden your horizons.

But if you HAVE found yourself getting feedback that you fall into the 'excessively grabby' category, practice not touching someone until they touch you first.

The other person doesn't have to do anything huge like a hug or a hand-hold. Sometimes it can be light as brushing something off your jacket, touching your shoulder to make a point, or the old Sticky Arms test. But until they've shown some level of physical interest or comfort in touch with you, hold back.

(Incidentally, that doesn't mean the second they touch you, you IMMEDIATELY touch them back, because depending on the situation, it might seem unnatural, like kids on a playground ("You punched me, so now I get to punch you back.").Just file the information "It's okay to touch a little" away for future refernce.)

3 - If you're in a situation where touch is required, instead of touching them, invite them to touch you.

For example, if you're asking someone to dance, instead of taking them by the hand, hold out your hand for THEM to take.

Understand that these are not rules. They are also not meant as "correction" or a reflection of your desirability. You can be Grabby and still be a good person with good intentions.

They are things to try and see what happens.

- May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Gateway Boyfriend Is Taking A Break

The plan is to return to regular posting in April although there may be sporadic updates.

It's also possible the blog will go back to a less regular posting schedule.

We'll see what happens.

Whichever way things go, I wish you all the best.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Life Teaches Us

A 22 year old woman I know told me, "If my relationship ended, I don't think I could handle it.'

She's wrong. We can all handle much more than we think we can.

Often life doesn't give us a choice.

Death happens. Divorce happens. Infidelity happens.

Many of us find ourselves experiencing pain we never thought we'd experience or making choices we never thought we would.

Even the toughest moments are still moments.

We get through them.

Life teaches us.

Stay strong, folks.

-May All Beings Be Sexy

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

How Empathy Helps Your Sex Life


One idea I've found helpful when getting to know a new partner is thinking of sex as a process rather than an event. So instead of thinking of it an either/or situation--sex/non-sex--imagine it as an ongoing physical conversation.

This silent, physical back-and-forth conversation is what makes developing empathy so important

Empathy gets devalued these days because we tend to relate it to kindness or 'niceness' which we equate with bland, boring, or that you're being a pushover.  Certainly, It's not as sexy sounding a word as dominance, mysteriousness, attraction, or confidence.

Empathy is something that helps us relate to other people. It helps us know when people are angry or afraid. It helps us soothe each other in times of grief.

But before you write it off as something that is just for nurturing, remember this: It ALSO helps us recognize when someone else is attracted or turned on. Not only that, it helps us recognize HOW attracted or turned on they are, which is important for getting sex, but also really really REALLY important for having GOOD sex, especially with regards to tension and release which is something we've explored in previous columns

There are three broad components to empathy.

1 - Intellectual/rational empathy: Being able to read or listen to what someone is saying and understand their point of view.

2 - Physical/emotional empathy: This is more non-verbal. It's noticing people's voice tones, breathing, body language, etc. Often it's about noticing HOW they say things rather than what they say. It might also involve noticing more behavior stuff and things people AREN'T saying.

3 - Developing a system of how to 'test' what we are  seeing/reading/hearing. We need to find a way to double check if what we are picking up in 1 and 2 are correct.

A lot of people labor under the misunderstanding that empathy is successful when we correctly know what another person is thinking or feeling and if we don't then empathy didn't 'work.'

It's okay to be wrong about what someone is thinking or feeling. It's also okay to not know. Empathy isn't about being right in any one moment. Empathy is what allows us to have the conversation.


The good news is empathy can be practiced and developped without a sexual partner or even without being on a date. You just have to work at it.

A couple quick ways to practice.

- When you're reading the internet trying to recognizing points of view other than your own.

- People watching. Watch their posture, their movements, their faces. As well as listening to their words, pay attention to their tone and breathing. What do you feel watching/looking at them?

I realize these Practices might not sound super-sexy. We'll get there either on this thread or another, but for me, empathy is the foundation you need to start from. It's sort of like fencing--everybody gets so distracted looking at the sword, it's easy to forget how important footwork is.

-May All Beings Be Sexy


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Reader Feedback: Dealing With Frustration in Dating

Had a long chat with a female friend yesterday and she told me she didn't understand and was frustrated at my dating troubles as "you're (me) doing all the right things". And this is someone who regularly critiques me when I'm not.

  This is a problem which has frustrated me for years: what, exactly, is stopping me from dating? Why does there seem to be a block stopping me from doing what other men I know can do even if they don't seem that bothered about dating, where to take their date etc.

I do not consider myself to know all things so I took advice and feedback from women and from men. And the current feedback from the women I know is that they can't see what I'm doing wrong. And these are certainly women who would not spare my blushes to tell me.

I don't come across as self obsessed, delusional or angry in real life. The only theories available are that I haven't found the right woman yet or that I'm just unlucky in dating.

I want to date.  I don't think I'm entitled or owed anything. It's highly unlikely there's a lack of charm there given the number of friends and social engagements I'm invited to these days. Indeed, it's weird because this is the first time I've been socially popular in my short little life so far.

I know I'm far from being the only one feeling this frustrating. Honestly, it makes me feel like half a man. Several people have remarked my confidence has improved over recent years but even that doesn't seem to have helped. The only thing that's seemed to help is a style update that now sees me going around the place in fashionable clothing that suits me.

If things matter more than looks, why won't those things work for me. If it isn't looks stopping me, then what is? 



I've been doing all the things you talk about. But I'm still not getting results.

It's normal to be frustrated. It sounds like you're putting a lot of effort in, and you aren't getting the results you're hoping for.

I can't help you with the results thing without knowing you, but I have a few thoughts on the frustration aspect.

1 - Sometimes we just get frustrated. Give yourself a couple days and see if you're still feeling the way you are now. A lot of times these feelings tend to pass on their own.

2 - This is just a moment in time. Measuring yourself by how things are going now is like a basketball coach measuring how his team is doing by looking at the scoreboard in the second quarter. THE GAME IS NOT OVER YET. Instead of looking at points, it makes more sense to look at what the team is doing: Are they executing? Are players tired? Does he need to adjust his gameplan? Or is his team doing everything right but shots are just not falling?

3 - Reading your post, I see a lot of references to either what other people think or what you THINK other people think. You mention that your friend thinks you're doing everything right. You talk about 'upsetting and annoying other people with talking about looks' and how 'other people have remarked on your confidence. You talk about how you 'come across.' You talk about asking for feedback from women and men.

I think it's great that you are looking for feedback, but it strikes me that you are conscious of a lot of people's reactions. And different people are going to have different and sometimes contradictory reactions--your friend says you're doing everything right, but for medical student it wasn't what she was looking for.

As long as you're using other people's reactions as a measuring stick, it's natural you're going to find yourself confused and frustrated because different people are going to have different opinions and reactions.

The two directions I might consider exploring are a) making peace with being frustrated and confused and/or b) adding options for measuring your progress that are i) within your control and ii) don't depend on the reactions of other people.

-May All Beings Be Sexy